WASHINGTON — Joe Biden’s approval ratings have dramatically increased in the final months of his presidency following his use of the controversial “The Substance” drug.
The drug, which the president had White House doctors create after viewing the 2024 body-horror film, creates a sexier, younger version of President Biden, who acts as the nation’s leader and commander-in-chief every other week, alternating with his older self.
“Listen here, pal. I’m 45-years-old now. And my name isn’t Joe anymore. It’s Cool Jack,” the younger version of the president explained at a press conference. “Now that I can talk regularly again, I’m gonna do all sorts of cool stuff as president. I’m gonna do a backflip on the White House lawn. I’m gonna pull a Jake Paul and challenge old man Donald to ten rounds in the ring. And I’m gonna host a TV show where all I do is twerk a lot. As a matter of fact, it’s gonna be out of this goddamn world.”
Despite the approval rating hike, White House doctor Meredith Carver says that there are dangers to abusing the drug.
“You have to switch every seven days — no exceptions. And, frankly, I don’t trust either version of President Biden to do that,” Dr. Carver said. “Hell, if I didn’t literally invent this drug based on the movie, I’d already think the old version of Biden was the decaying body of a Substance user who didn’t switch properly. Honestly, I think this whole thing is a waste of time; he hasn’t even changed any of his political positions and he keeps asking where his best friend John McCain is.”
Polling shows that Biden’s numbers continue to climb, however. According to a recent poll of 800 Americans, 98% agreed that it is “nice to have a president who physically looks to be alive every other week” before transitioning back to another frighteningly sickly one in January.
As of press time, the two versions of Joe Biden were reportedly in a fight with each other over which one of them would get to send more arms to Israel.
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