AUSTIN — Cinema chain The Alamo Drafthouse proudly announced today that it is now serving a new line of chips in all locations that are said to be their loudest yet.
“At Alamo Drafthouse, we want to bring our patrons the best movie-going experience possible and we understand that the ambiance of the theater is a huge part of that. That’s why we’re so excited to introduce our new Extra-Crunch Chip Basket,” the announcement reads. “Whether you’re looking to crunch during a tender moment between two lovers or feeling hungry right at the exact time a crucial piece of dialogue is being stated, the Extra-Crunch Chip Basket is the perfect thing to snack on for anyone at the movies!”
The Alamo Drafthouse worked with audio engineers to design the chips.
“We really wanted to hit a decibel level never before reached with these chips,” explained lead engineer Natalie Crane. “We’ve worked with Alamo in the past — straws that slurp extra loud, sandwiches designed to have the burger fall right out of the buns and make the patron blurt out ‘oh fucking god damn it,’ jalapeño poppers that actually make a popping sound — but these chips are by far the loudest food we’ve ever created.”
Fans of the theater were excited about the news.
“Whoa, this is awesome! I was recently eating a bunch of their regular chips during a screening of Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom and, while they tasted good, the audio levels just weren’t doing it for me,” said moviegoer Warren Sutton. “For me, seeing a movie in a theater isn’t just about seeing it on a big screen, it’s about being a part of the film-viewing community. And one way that I get to make myself truly heard as a movie lover is to eat really loud tortilla chips with some queso. And if I don’t have enough napkins, you know I’m rubbin’ that shit on the seats.”
At press time, The Alamo Drafthouse specified that anyone who talks out loud about the chips during a screening of a movie will be immediately thrown out of the theater for being disruptive.
COMMENTS.
3 responses to “Alamo Drafthouse Chefs Announce New “Loudest Chips Yet””
This article is very crisp and delicious, just like the fine tortilla chips at the Drafthouse.
This is fine for the majority who like their movies crunchy, but I guess I’ll be “that guy” reserving a couple of my Dots candies for my ears and pretending I’m watching a silent film, like God intended.
Eating chips during Salò is a power move