LOS ANGELES — Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav has purchased the rights to the Rooster Teeth independent film “Lazer Team” so that he can delete it from existence.
“I was looking around at what properties we have laying around and saw there was this like fucking YouTube channel or some shit. I dunno if it makes money or not, but no. We had to lose that for sure,” Zaslav explained to shareholders. “But you know, I gotta be thorough, right? I saw they have this movie ‘Lazer Team’ that made less than a billion dollars, so in business, we round that down to worthless. Made sure to grab the rights to that and delete it just to make sure no one gets a chance to see that shit. Don’t even get a tax credit for that — I just think it’s fun to do now.”
Rooster Teeth employees were shocked at the revelation that their movie had been deleted.
“When they told us they were shutting down our company and laying everyone off, I heard the news that they had bought the rights to our movie series ‘Lazer Team,’ so I figured, hey at least that’s a silver lining,” Rooster Teeth co-founder Matt Hullum said. “Then I searched ‘Lazer Team’ on Google and saw no results came up. Well, at least it’s on my own hard drive, right? Nope. Warner Bros sent assassins to destroy every copy of ‘Lazer Team’ from existence.”
At press time, David Zaslav was reportedly looking into kidnapping Burnie Burns and dropping him off on a remote and uninhabited island.
