THE WASTELAND — Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav has reportedly chained director George Miller to the front of his Mercedes due to the low box office results of “Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga.”
“Behold! My newest trophy!” exclaimed a shirtless Zaslav, who reportedly is insisting underlings refer to him as Lord Taxcutterus. “Let it be known across all the Wasteland — from Santa Monica to Highland Park — that he who besmirches the good name of Warner Bros. shall face the wrath of the Zas! No more shall we tolerate the frustrations of failed IP. No more shall we allow these so-called artists to terrorize our bottom line in the name of spectacle. War Boys, take him to the Water Tower!”
Those working at Warner Bros. Discovery are unhappy with all the changes to the company.
“I really just want to do my job editing reality TV show slop, and let me tell you, it’s a LOT harder now that I have to get up early each morning to paint my entire body white,” said employee Ted Knight. “I’m already working around the clock for very little pay and now I have to like help capture anyone who personally disrespects the CEO? I should at least be getting overtime! Or some of that chrome drug.”
“I guess I’m just happy I don’t work at Netflix,” Knight added. “I don’t think I could handle being in a meeting with Ted Sarandos where he’s rubbing his nipples through the holes in his suit.”
Despite massive complaints, there are a few who support Zaslav in his quest for Hollywood dominance.
“Look, I’m just happy to be working and I’m keeping my head down,” said one man who would only identify himself as “Piss Boy.” “Apparently I signed some contract when making ‘Entourage’ that made it so that the CEO of Warner Bros. owns me for life. But that’s fine. It’s really hard to get anyone to want to even spend time with me ever since my… crimes… became publicly known. Hey you think they’ll let me be in the new ‘Edge of Tomorrow’ movie if I’m a good boy who steals lots of guzzoline?”
Rumors are circling, however, that Miller has already broken free from Zaslav’s grip — brutally killing dozens of Warner Bros. employees — in an attempt to escape and finally direct “Happy Feet Three.”
