LOS ANGELES — After five continuous days of searching, actor Willem Dafoe has still not been found under the wreckage of several thousand DVDs that fell in the Criterion Closet collapse.
“He was just discussing the iconic 1964 Japanese horror film ‘Onibaba’ when everything came down. Piles and piles of classic, important films from around the world pouring on top of Willem. It was unlike anything I had ever seen, and we’ve seen a lot of movies,” said Shauna Fuller, a representative from Criterion. “Well, he’s living a horror movie now. I just hope he’s seen 127 Hours — which is regrettably not in our collection.”
“We’re working around the clock to excavate the site, and have faith that Willem will be found alive and well very soon,” she added. “Unfortunately, we had very slow progress at first because everyone working on digging Willem out was a Criterion employee, and couldn’t help but discuss how great each movie they pulled out was. They would be digging for a few seconds and come across something like Agnes Varda’s ‘Cléo from 5 to 7.’ We’d lose hours as they commented on what a comfy and influential film it was or how it fit into the French New Wave movement of the ’50s and ’60s.”
“By day two, thankfully, we started screening our diggers,” she explained. “Before they start getting to work rescuing Willem, we make sure to ask what their favorite film is. If they say something like ‘Boondock Saints,’ we tell them to grab a shovel.”
Unfortunately, Dafoe is likely stuck until for the foreseeable future due to hurting his legs spreading them super far while doing a photoshoot. Using specialized equipment, rescuers were able to get a single quote from Dafoe: “It’s fascinatingly heavy.”
As of press time, officials realized that, oh shit, there’s probably also a non-famous camera operator stuck in there too. Completely forgot about that possibility. Maybe a sound guy, even.
