JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Veronica Swanson, dental hygienist and girlfriend of the notorious serial killer known only as Jigsaw, was reportedly ecstatic to find an engagement ring buried in the chest of her unconscious best friend.
“Hello Veronica. I don’t want to play any more games with you. We’ve been dating for three years now and I love you very much. Next to the body of your friend Dennis, you will find a knife,” Jigsaw explained in a mysterious VHS tape Veronica found. “Inside Dennis’ beating heart is a representation of my own heart. Matrimony can be yours, if you desire it. But any attempt to violate the rules of our agreement, and through death, we will part. The choice is yours, Veronica. You have twenty minutes.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Swanson successfully carved the diamond ring from her friend’s chest, killing him in the process. Upon discovery of the object, she then burst into tears, excitedly announcing to Jigsaw she would love to marry him.
“Veronica is so lucky. I wish I could find a man like Jigsaw,” explained Swanson’s co-worker Felicity Guerrero. “He’s always doing things with her, making little puzzles, or scavenger hunts. And he really listens. If she tells him a story from her life or confesses a shameful secret, he really pays attention and takes it to heart. I wish my husband Frank could be more like Jigsaw. I can’t remember the last time he got me a gift, let alone surgically embedded it in the body of someone close to me.”
“I hope I get invited to one of their game nights one day!” she added.
Jigsaw and Swanson intend to marry in the spring of 2025.
“I’m just so excited. I love my Jiggy so much! I don’t even know what he looks like, but I guess it’s a sort of Love Is Blind situation. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours from the television in the padded room he drops me into,” Swanson said. “I just hope I still have enough friends and family to make the reception by the time we get through all these games of his.”
As of press time, Jigsaw had reportedly already purchased a little “just married” sign to attach to the back of a small tricycle.
Leave a Reply