LOS ANGELES — In an attempt to collect a tax credit for permanently deleting the film, Warner Bros. has demanded the tongue of everyone who has seen “Coyote vs. Acme,” according to a press release.
“It would be devastating for us to collect $75 million from the good taxpayers of America without doing our due diligence to make sure no human soul will ever discuss this film,” explained David Zaslav, his hand hovering over a giant “delete” button on his desk. “We can’t make anyone unsee the movie if they worked on it or saw an early screening, but we can remove their tongue to ensure they never reveal what happens in it. That’s actually something we can do; our lawyers looked into it and we’re allowed to do it for some reason. And we get paid to.”
Critics who saw early copies of the film were distressed to hear the news.
“Im typging thighs wiht brken bc zassslav cam to my housre to rmeove my tongue an i said i fan stillll tupe nd he hit my hanfds with a hamner,” wrote film critic Brendan Doherty in an article for The New York Times. “every key i preess hurts os much. but i must sya: in one scene the road runnre is called to the stnand nd the coyote loosk into camera and hlds a sign that says ‘oh brother.’ and will fotre is funny o god i t hurts”
“Coyote vs. Acme” star John Cena was reportedly ecstatic that he had not seen any of the footage.
“Oh my god, they asked me if I wanted to look at some of the dailies, but I was busy doing god knows what. Oh thank god — oh, my lovely tongue! My lovely tongue!” said Cena. “I get to keep my beautiful tongue!”
Despite Warner Bros. efforts to destroy anyone’s ability to see the film, rogue cinephiles have been passing around secret Letterboxd reviews through underground routes. WB Enforcers have so far confiscated coded messages that were revealed to say “this happened to my buddy Wile E.” and “Lana Condor step on me.”
