NEW YORK — Nathaniel Barron, who is currently in lockstep with every other person on Earth in the inexorable march towards the oblivion of unbeing that is death, claims there is no point in creating prequels as the ending is predetermined.
“What’s even the point?” Nathaniel asked, talking about prequel movies and markedly not life in general. “I can completely skip that experience. It’s not necessary for me to be in the theater at all. Like, sure, maybe there’s a post-credit sequence that gets interesting, but there’s no guarantee of that.”
Barron then cracked a bottle of meal replacement shake Soylent because he “doesn’t like eating that much.”
“Like, sometimes you’re watching a prequel, and it’s super obvious that someone has to die or else the original film wouldn’t work. So why would I care about that character?” said Barron, who is fully aware that he is going to die. “There’s no reason to get attached to that person. It’s an exercise in futility.”
This belief — that growing attached to characters whose ultimate destination is already known is folly — is consistent with Buddhist ideology, according to Buddhist Scholar Aaminah Ali.
“So, it’s true that avoiding attachment is a key part of Buddhist thought. But I think the biggest thing in Buddhism is actually escaping the cycle of sequels.”
At press time, Barron was seen listening to an album once and throwing it out.
