HOLLYWOOD — The 97th OSCARS® have a new host in Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend host Conan O’Brien, leading many insiders to speculate the up-and-comer is next in line for the long-coveted spot atop The Tonight Show.
“Conan has been dear to many across the country ever since his podcast debuted in 2018,” said OSCARS® producer Dave Blinken. “Though many would consider this a risky move, he’s had a great rapport with some A-list guests, and so we took a shot on him as our Master of Ceremonies.”
Hollywood denizens are no strangers to a sudden, meteoric rise in status, and have advice for the podcaster.
“If Mr. O’Brien is smart, he’ll take this opportunity to make a move from the dinky world of podcasting and run with it,” said Hollywood agent Olivia Jensson. “In the entertainment business, you only get one shot. If the execs decide to let you in, you can go all the way to The Tonight Show, which is the only thing that has ever mattered, and the only thing that ever will. And if they decide you’re out, you’re immediately dead and no level of talent can bring you back. Them’s the breaks!”
At this point, Jensson drew a blade across her palm, leaving a ruby-red trail of blood, and chanted “The Network” repeatedly.
“Fallon has held the throne for one hundred and twenty-seven moons,” she said, or did she? It was no longer Olivia’s voice, no, but a deeper and darker one which seemed to escape from the very sky itself. “Soon, he shall be supplanted. By the host of the #54 slot on Apple Podcasts.”
The spot currently held by Jimmy Fallon was previously occupied by a short stint from Jay Leno, who replaced… wait, what the fuck?
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