Critic’s Perfect Movie Would Feature No Politics

HOUSTON – Local critic Sam “Sammy” Bates is highly skeptical of movies that he feels are political, according to his mother, Melinda Bates, with whom he is very close.

Melinda first realized Sammy wasn’t a fan of political messaging in film when she was watching a Marvel film.

“We were watching Iron Man, and he launched that Jericho Missile,” Melinda said. “He started crying when it blew up. I think he was making the argument that Tony Stark’s arrogant, seemingly insatiable greed in the scene doesn’t accurately reflect the entire community of arms dealers.”

Melinda lamented the state of cinema, realizing she has yet to find a single movie which doesn’t feature some sort of political message.

“Once I realized he doesn’t like politics, I began looking for films that didn’t have any at all,” Melinda said. “But as soon as a character has an opinion, or a race, or a trait, or a job, or a gender, or a body, or a country of origin, or smiles, or doesn’t smile, it becomes political. It’s like, come on, already! Is everything political, or something?”

Melinda recently resorted to filming herself jingling her keys, but accidentally caught a little bit of her face in frame, and just decided to scrap the project.