BURBANK, CA — The Walt Disney Company, home of Star Wars, has paid $1.5 billion dollars to Epic Games in return for an equity stake and the promise that they’ll resurrect Emperor Palpatine in Fortnite again.
“We and the fans both loved that prior to Episode 9: Whatever It Was Called, we resurrected Emperor Palpatine in Fortnite,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “They played hardball, knowing how much it was worth to us, but we feel $1.5 billion is a fair value. After what we did between seasons 2 and 3 of “The Mandalorian,” we learned of the huge enthusiasm our fanbase has for doing semi-mandatory ARG puzzles.”
Sheev Palpatine, the Emperor and Sith Lord responsible for Anakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader, was slain in Episode 6, and also in Episode 9. He was also Snoke, kind of, but not in a satisfying way, obviously. Fearing a departure from the formula, Disney has decided to resurrect him again.
“He will have regained his strength inside a Chug Jug of dire proportions,” Bob Iger said. “But there’s more to be excited about– owning an equity stake in Epic Games means we are incentivized to cross-brand Fortnite with Star Wars on the silver screen, as well. So get ready to see Rey learn how to use the force to build a tower in four seconds.”
Some (loathsome) fans of the franchise were not pleased with the decision, however.
“Can we have a new villain at some point? It’s been 44 years,” said Charn Brimps, of Peoria, Illinois. What an asshole!
At press time, Disney was fitting Hayden Christensen for a Mega Darth Vader outfit.
