UNITED STATES — Due to a three-hour outage today, cinephiles who typically use Letterboxd to determine a film’s quality before viewing it were put in the awkward position of having to figure that out for themselves.
“I’m not fully comfortable with doing this,” said Bugsy Plymouth. “I may end up watching a movie I don’t like, but actually think that I like it. That would be really embarrassing. If I can’t open up a list of every single drama of all time and sort by ‘review popularity,’ then what’s the point of even being a cinephile?!”
“I’m basically completely fucked,” Plymouth continued. “Now I’ll just have to watch whatever slop Netflix decides is right for me. I mean who ever heard of this shit, like ‘The Irishman’ and ‘Da 5 Bloods’?”
Those who prefer sites like Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic were, of course, unphased by the outage at a competitor.
“I’m going to make those sons of bitches pay for what they did to my favorite franchise,” said Gumbo Pongsour, an avid fan of Rotten Tomatoes, who was sweating and seemingly did not know we were in the room. With 28,319 reviews across 814 accounts, Gumbo sure does love cinema.
At press time, Letterboxd’s outage had ended, but the damage was done: several thousand users rated “The Boondock Saints” 5 stars.
